Retro No-Exit
by davidthefrogman
Summary: An adaption of the existential play No-Exit that I wrote with someone else for an English project, featuring Bowser, Dr. Eggman, and Dr. Wily in hell. Characters are pretty in character, but become a bit more generic in the final part, wherein the three people in hell have an existential realization. Enjoy (potentially).


_Enter Bowser: Fire-Breathing Anthropomorphic Turtle and Wireframe: Super Smash Brothers Dummy Enemy_

_Location is a round, black room with streams of bright green lights pulsating outward from a central point. There is plenty of light for the characters to see each other's features._

**Bowser: **Where the hell am I? No koopas, no castle, no...not even Mario. Oh, and you know...no windows or anything?

_Enter Wireframe, who greets Bowser_

**Wireframe: **Well Mr. King Koopa, I may have some answers for you.

**Bowser: **Yeah. Do you mind, you know, telling me everything!? What is this place? Why are there no windows or anything? And to top it off, where's the food? I'm hungry!

**Wireframe: **There is an answer to all those questions, and while I cannot answer all of them right now, I can tell you that hunger is not what you feel. You will soon find that food is of no necessity here, in this place.

**Bowser: **That's lame. I'm bored as hell, have no idea why I'm here, am being told that food isn't needed when I sure as hell know I'm hungry, and you have the nerve to say you can't answer my questions? I call koopa-crap, man.

**Wireframe: **In due time, my friend. For now, however, there are some others here that I would like you to meet.

_Enter Doctors Eggman and Wily: Two Robot-Creating Gentlemen also Specialized in World Destruction_

**Eggman: **This creature, what is it? I've never seen one like it in my life.

**Bowser: **Hey, who are you calling "this creature?" You have the nerve to insult Bowser, the king of Koopas? You've got another thing coming if you think you can-

**Eggman: **Relax, big guy, I could tell upon first glance that you had SOME form of intellect...

**Bowser: **Hmph...who's that old geezer over there, huh?

**Eggman: **Doctor, maybe you would like to introduce yourself as well.

**Wily: ***ahem* Yes, you may call me Dr. Albert Wily, robot extraordinaire and-

**Bowser: **Yeah, yeah, cut the crap, will ya, I've already got egg-belly over here insulting my superior intelligence.

**Eggman: **[_Making a sour face and grumbling_] It's Eggman...

**Wily: **So pushy, are we? You tell me to cut the crap, but in fact, we have a lot of time here, to put it lightly. There really is no need to "cut the crap," as you say.

**Wireframe: **I see that you all are becoming acquainted. On that note, I will leave you all to your devices. _*Disappears into particles*_

_Exit Wireframe_

**Scene II**

**Bowser:** What I want to know, is why I'm here. Maybe you guys too, but mostly me.

**Wily:** You mean to tell me that you don't know? You, you're dead, just like us two.

**Eggman: [**_mumbling_]Unfortunately... It wasn't fair. That stupid hedgehog.

**Wily:** At least you didn't have your prized creation slaughter you. And you, turtle-man, if we know what happened to ourselves, it wouldn't make sense for you to not know what caused your demise.

**Bowser:** I told you, I have no friggin idea why I'm here! I...wait...

**Eggman: **Yes?

**Bowser:** I just remembered...a poison shroom. Years of trying to take a princess only to have my plans thwarted. It grinds on you, you know, to always lose to some fat plumber and maybe his stick of a brother. My koopalings had moved on to take over other kingdoms, and Bowser Jr. had finally taken my place in trying to rule the Mushroom Kingdom. I had nothing left. Not only did I always screw up, but I felt like my life was becoming a broken question block. I was keeping this poison shroom block stowed away for years, but it finally hit me; there was no point anymore. But whatever, I'm here, and it's lame. Hey, what about you guys?

**Wily:** Well, I was already nearing the end of my life as it was. However, during a combat test involving my greatest creation, Zero, a malfunction in his moral programming just so decided that I was something to be destroyed. He managed to blast through the viewing window to the combat room, catching myself off guard. You can imagine what that resulted in. Ironic, really, being killed by your love of something. I suppose, though, instilling the goal of obliterating that blue kid -Megaman- was a rather over-the-top idea, even for me. Quite unstable, as you could imagine.

**Eggman:** I see that you and I have a bit in common, doctor.

**Wily:** And how so, doctor?

**Eggman:** I too just so happened to have a particular blue pest. That blasted Sonic the Hedgehog. To put it bluntly, I, the genius Dr. Ivo Eggman Robotnik, experienced death by my own nemesis.

**Bowser:** Quit being so full of yourself, egghead. We're sitting here wanting to know what the hell actually happened! Come on!

**Eggman:** Pushy man you are, my dear Bowser. Fine then, I'll tell you. I had finally finished my greatest creation, the Death Egg Mk III. The design choice was...different from my past models, to say the least. This time there wasn't a heart-mech to control at the center. Oh no, this was the machine to beat all machines, but at a cost. I had this brilliant idea that life energy would be the key to winning against Sonic. Essentially, at the cost of the life energy of Sonic's friends, along with mine, there would be enough power to destroy that blue blur even in his super form. I was very sadly mistaken. A minor miscalculation in my plans allowed for that hedgehog to rescue his friends, yet result in my demise. A shame, really, as he offered to save me. However, I refused, he fled, and my machine, taking its name literally, exploded, taking me with it.

**Bowser:** Damn, doc, that's cold, even for me.

**Wily:** That was a flawed plan from the start. Never make yourself the power source of anything. That is precisely why robots can be created, to do that job for you.

**Eggman:** How about you, Dr. Willy? Not so alive now either, are you? It's clear that we both did not calculate everything that could go wrong.

**Wily:** Touche, doctor.

**Bowser:** I'm tired of talking about why we're here! I'm hun-! Oh...right...there's no need for food here. More importantly, though, just what is this...dark, uh, thing we're in, with green lights and stuff?

**Scene III**

**Wily:** So, Mr. Koopa, you want to know just what this place is? Well, consider what all three of us had done before we died.

**Bowser:** I tried to kidnap a princess and keep her away from a fat plumber. So what?

**Eggman: **You're missing the point. We were the bad guys in nearly every situation. I never imagined this "hell" that people spoke of was an actual place, but if there's any time to believe it, it's now for me. We must be in hell.

**Bowser:** I always imagine that hell would be...you know...fiery, like all of my castles.

**Wily:** I too never imagined hell to be a real place, but the doctor is right; not many calculations are necessary to be able to tell this is indeed hell that we're in. A place where eternity is spent for those who committed misdeeds throughout their life.

**Eggman:** Even you, my dear Bowser, your acts of kidnapping would not be considered good deeds, now would they?

**Bowser:** I...uh...no, I guess not.

**Wily:** No matter how I would want to say otherwise, my deeds were not so great either. Betraying my friend by reprogramming his robots to become killers, constantly trying to destroy that blasted Megaman, endangering the population of the world countless times, the list goes on.

**Eggman:** I used animals as power sources for robots purely designed to destroy Sonic. Not only did animal rights activists most likely have a problem with me, I also wanted to outright destroy Sonic. That wouldn't be considered a good thing.

**Bowser:** I wonder how things are going...uh...up there, I guess…

**Eggman:** Well, it appears I can somewhat see what's going on up there. Well, well, Sonic and his friends...aren't celebrating that I'm gone? There's even a headstone. "Dr. Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik. The best egghead around," it says. I don't understand. Even with all I did, Sonic still has the will to forgive me. *laughs* I'll never understand that hedgehog.

**Wily:** Well, isn't that nice? It seems more bittersweet on my end. Thomas [Light] is up there...just barely alive, in a wheel chair, on life support, sitting in front of...simply a grave plate...I suppose it only makes sense that my life was not considered very important. 'The things you did were dastardly, disgusting, dangerous. But...you were both a great colleague and friend of mine in our younger days. You and I were both successful in the advancement of robot technology, even if our paths did not align. My hope is that my final creation, Megaman X, will be able to make our world a better place in our stead.' That's what he just said. I guess that despite the worst of my deeds, that old Light still considers our past as very important. He would be the only one to care, of course. However, I disagree with him. The world will never become a better place. People are bad from the start. We may have both made advances, but that doesn't mean anything when it comes to humans.

**Bowser:** At least…someone cares about you guys. My koopalings, they're just throwing spiteful words around. "The old man had it coming," "What kind of father does that to his children?" That's all I can hear! *sobs quietly, covering his face*

**Eggman:** Come on, their must be something positive happening up there.

**Bowser:** Bowser Jr., he's at my deathbed. Guess I haven't even been buried or anything yet. He's saying that there was still so much wisdom that he'd wanted from me, but I killed the chance. That's my boy, always looking up. I guess I didn't pay enough attention to that at the time. Oh...Mario, Luigi, even the Princess, they're talking about me. Pretty kind words they're saying. "He was destructive, yet at times he proved a great help." Guess they really just cared about me as a tool or something…

**Wily:** Well...we're here now. No use crying, especially since we don't truly have emotion down here. If what they say is true, we're really just embodying our souls down here. What you and I are doing is simply imitating what our alive selves were like. Souls are simply the essence of our existence.

**Eggman:** You're saying, we're false? I have trouble believing that!

**Wily:** Not exactly, but down here, we're really just an essence of what we were.

**Bowser:** I can't deal with this. I just want to leave. What is this, some crappy play or something?

_Enter Wireframe_:

**Wireframe:** *materializes* I'm afraid that you cannot leave.

**Bowser:** What do you mean I can't?

**Wireframe:** This is where you went when you died; there is no way back.

**Bowser:** Damn it! I'm getting so bored of this existential koopa crap.

**Wireframe:** *dematerializes*

**Scene IV**

**Bowser:** [thinking to self] So I, or whatever, my "essence" is here, in hell. It's not that I didn't expect it, but it's not fair! These other two guys have people caring about them. All I have are half-baked "he was a great help" comments at best. Maybe I'm really better off as just an "essence…"

**Bowser: **[out loud] So... I guess it's just us, you know, our essences here now?

**Wily: **Thomas has been long dead. Seems there is nothing important left up in that cesspool.

**Bowser: **Oh well. [trailing off slowly] I don't care what those nimrods thought of me anyway...

**Eggman: **Sonic and his friends aren't available for my viewing anymore. Doesn't matter. Down here, evil can flourish! We're down here forever after all! [Evil grin]

**Bowser: **And ever, and ever, AND EVER! [laughs/roars]

**ALL: **Cheers to hell![roaring, pure evil laughter]

[CURTAIN]


End file.
